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Aug. 18th, 2013

amelie gnome
I have spent far too much time listening to my body's WANTS, and not my body's NEEDS.

Jul. 11th, 2012

amelie gnome
Being unemployed and with my roommate out of town for three weeks, I have way too much time for introspection.

Nov. 26th, 2011

pan's labyrinth
I am so ridiculously jealous of everyone around me. It seems as though all of my friends have had, or still have, long and meaningful relationships that aren't constant melodrama.

I don't know what it is, but I'm just so bored with everyone I meet, everyone I've dated, for so long. It's not that I'm so interesting myself, I know that.

Whatever it is, I'm sick of dating people before I really know who they are, or letting someone treat me like shit just because they don't bore me.

Visiting my mom this weekend, she tried to give me advice. Mainly about how settling isn't a bad thing. As usual, her advice is the opposite of what I think. I'd rather be alone than be bored.

Good News!!!

kaylee umbrella

My mom went with me on Friday to the Counseling Center, and between her backing me up and me crying I managed to get psych services back. Yay for free access to medication! (I'm taking Zoloft and Lamictal now, btw.)
Related to that, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar II, meaning that I have hypomania. Which explains why this summer I could go for days without sleeping, had a ton of energy, and was basically the energizer bunny when it came to GETTING SHIT DONE. Also explains why my lows are SO LOW (sleeping 12+ hours a day, suicidal, constantly hungry, etc).
I'm not super happy at finding out that I have such a maligned disorder, but I'm very happy that I know what I'm dealing with now, and that treatment will hopefully be more effective. After all, if people are going to judge me for something I can't control, they aren't really the kind of people I need in my life, amiright?

Still unemployed, but I have plenty of leads for jobs, so hopefully that will be fixed soon.
I applied at the local coffee shop/ book store today, fingers crossed!
Being unemployed has its benefits, to an extent. I've started sewing/crotcheting again, and have gotten through a ton of the reading I didn't have time for before.
I am also SO FASHIONABLE now. I'm proud of myself haha.

Also, I've started on a gluten free diet, since I figure being lazy and ignoring my gluten intolerance is silly. It's been a week and I already feel 100% better.

The single life is pretty great, too. Plenty of time for myself and friends and virtually no drama from other people, which is a nice change. I'm appreciating my friends and family more than ever. It was pretty rough the last few weeks, and I'm so thankful for the support I got from everyone. You know who you are <3

All and all, life's not sunshine and roses, but at least I'm still here and making the best of it. :)

Oct. 14th, 2011

sherlock rache
"I thought it would be easy, lying in the tub and seeing the redness flower from my wrists, flush after flush through the clear water, till I sank into sleep under a surface gaudy as poppies."

I can't get it out of my head.

Updated and Relevant.

My MUST list for relationships:

1) Be attracted to me and act like it, i.e., say it, and show it physically
2) Listen when I talk and respond
4) See physical closeness as emotional and a vital part of a relationship
5) Be spontaneous
6) Not give me shit for my views on feminism, LGBT, vegetarianism, politics, lack of religion, etc (They don't have to share my views, just respect them)
7) Not use drugs or drink excessively
8) Have a sense of humor
9) Be monogamous
10) Have interests in common: literature, music, film ... something, and be willing to learn more about my interests and share theirs
11) Accept my eccentricities (nerdiness, thrift store clothes, hp obsession, etc)
12) Be willing to try new things
13) Not be emotionally or physically abusive
14) Take no for an answer
15) Be able to be emotionally vulnerable
16) Tell me they love me often (When it gets to that point)
17) See family as important, be willing to meet my family, (Introduce me to their family?)
18) Let me make decisions about what we do together
19) Be supportive and not demeaning about my issues in recovery
20) Be willing to meet/hang out with my friends, introduce me to theirs
21) Be creative
22) Respect me despite my flaws
23) Be passionate
24) Not have an over-exaggerated sense of their own importance or dignity i.e., not be afraid to look or act silly
25) Be interested in long-term commitment
26) RESPECT MY PRIVACY. Don't look in my phone, hack my fb, or anything. If you can't trust me and I can't trust you, we have no business being together.
27) NEVER make me feel bad about my looks. I'm not perfect, but you aren't either.
28) Be able to forgive and forget: mistakes, arguments, whatever.
29) Be okay with each of us having alone time, but also stay in contact regularly.
30) Be social, but not a huge party person. A party or two every month or so is okay, but not every night.
31) Not be misogynistic, homophobic, etc.

Jul. 24th, 2011

amelie gnome
I've come to realize that the only motivating force in my life thus far has been me trying to make other people happy. Fuck that. I'm so sick of giving my heart and soul and body to people who don't appreciate me or love me as much as I can love them.

For those of you who are reading this, whether friends or lurkers, beware. I won't be giving you any more morsels of self pity to vindicate yourself with.
I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm coming to understand that I am worth more than I thought. More than short tumultuous relationship can give me. More than a shitty job in a shitty establishment. More than being someone's paper generator, seeing my words earn other people's degrees.

At our age, people live on dreams. For so long, mine was simple: to be loved.

Why? Not everyone has the same opportunities and the same experiences. Mine led me to believe that my only worth was in making someone else happy enough to stay with me. Now I know better.

Despite not having dependable finances, or school, or family, I will make it. Getting a degree and being independent are not impossible, despite the obstacles.

I know that I can make it, and I know it won't be easy. But this summer I worked forty hours a week, had a side job, and still managed to get A's in all my classes. Despite not having medication or support from anyone else, I did it.

So to all my detractors, feel free to assume this is just me grandstanding. I could care less. I have a new dream, a new purpose that I had previously neglected. Finishing school is going to happen, and it's all I'm concerned with. I'm making it, and you can all go to hell.


All I want is to be a success story.

Look at her, powerful and strong, rose above everything they could throw at her, she made it.

It's getting more and more difficult to see myself at the end of the tunnel.

I'm just so tired.

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